The Brahminical Patriarch

This morning a lady introduced me to her mother-in-law who must be 90 or even older.  The old lady was graceful and wasn't clouded by the memory corruption that comes with ageing.  She connected the references to my grandfather and asked if I was his grandson.  She probably knew my parents and more popular uncles and aunts, but she chose my grandfather as a person of reference.  My grandfather was that patriarch, morally strong, balanced and a role-model. 

I was lucky to have seen such a patriarch in our family.  He wasn't much of a Brahmin in the orthodox sense, but had to take the profession of a medical doctor.  He sure was a patriarch we all are proud of, but not a villain in the millennial sense.  He wouldn't care if he were to be called a villain - he was beyond such silly labels.  We will look into the roles and responsibilities of such a patriarch with my grandfather as an example.

I guess my grandfather inherited the role.  His mother was a true matriarch, taking care of her cousins' families as hers was the only one that was relatively better off.  So, first and foremost, a patriarch or a matriarch takes responsibility - of wealth, family, and all situations arising out of relationships. They don't wait for someone to make decisions and own their consequences; few people are born with such qualities.

When someone has the capability to take responsibility, there would be situations when the environment pushes them to the role of a patriarch.  If someone is a responsible person, there would be someone in the proximity to be irresponsible, so that the former's purpose of life is fulfilled.  

Soon, there would be children, nephews, and nieces.  Sequentially their education, marriage, and other life events start.   The income may or may not be sufficient, but financial prudence is a key requirement at this stage.  Again, the patriarch is expected to be smart in dealing with the resources, however wealthy he may be.  He needs to plan the expenses, prioritize them, save for the future, invest/borrow wisely, and so on.

For n members in a family, the number of relationships is an order of n² and or n(n-1)/2 to be precise. As n increases the probability of conflicts between them increases.  Various factors come into play in triggering human nature to create conflicts.  There could be cousin rivalry, expectation mismatches, ignored aspirations, and the list goes on.  The patriarch is expected to resolve conflicts, keeping in mind the welfare of the family.  There will always be a dissatisfied party, but the patriarch takes them along. 

To take along even dissatisfied family members, the patriarch has to be respected.  In such situations, nothing earns respect more than being fair.  The patriarch is expected to be consistent in being fair. This means the patriarch may have to overlook excellence for fairness and possibly uniform treatment.

When the situation demands the patriarch is the first one in the family to make sacrifices.  I would say the one who is willing to sacrifice eventually becomes the patriarch.  He is prepared to sacrifice his attachments for the sake of family.

I can go on and on with all these qualities expected from just one person to be designated as a patriarch.  In Mahabharata, Bhishma was that prototypical patriarch.  The culture ensured Indian families are supported by such patriarchs and matriarchs.

In the modern context of nuclear families, situations do not arise often to elevate one as a patriarch or a matriarch.  Also, a family man isn't expected to possess all of the above qualities.  There may be a few heroes, but there's no stage for them.